a necessary vent


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f u c k

sometimes
sayin it slow gives more meaning
like the drawn out fuckery of everyday living
seriously

fuck you and your harrassment
bill collection bastards
banks that send mail to the wrong address
speeding ticket bullshit
lets not get started on my taxes.
and fuck the boys masquerading as men
changing wants and needs with the weather
as if im a fucking mind reader
and while im at it...
fuck you mother nature.

no seriously.
whens it enough
i mean
fuck the job search fuck being over qualified
fuck i go to school for anyways?
oh excuse me i didnt realize
my fancy degree and my job experience
meant you couldnt hire me
to do some bullshit $10/ hour job
so i could pay off all these damn assholes who feel the need
to constantly hold their hand out.

i mean.
i know i owe them but shit.
give a girl a break you know?

because i swear to whoever the fuck is listening
theres a point when water freezes
and a higher one where it boils
and im not too sure which direction im headin
but either way
explosion is looking pretty much
in.ev.it.ab.le
break the word down
because when im pissed
i gotta
e.nun.ci.ate every damn syll.a.ble.


i find this funny.
how many times 'sunny' and 'disposition'
merge together as part of my self-description
because im so far from being an angry person
even though
so many have told me...
i have an anger management problem
but fuck all that
you cant manage what you dont acknowledge.
right?

im so tired
of
juggling balls like a damn circus clown
(and i dont even like clowns. let alone juggling.)
i dont even know if they are still in the air anymore
just going through the motions
while the pieces hit the ground
silently
and i dont know how to pick them up
hands moving all around
flailing, if you will
grasping for some sort of strength to hold on to

but really
all im doin is playing 'ooh child' over and over again
tricking the mind
that things are gonna get easier
but thats the same song and dance
ive been doin for so long
i think i forgot the steps
got caught up in the twirls maybe
because i sure as hell havent made it to easier
and i damn sure as hell dont know too many that have
i dont even know what easier looks like
but i do know i dont have enough to pay the toll
on that road.

i know my complaints are petty
but
a whole lotta petty little rocks
have turned into a mountain on my back
and rocks on the backs of those i love
have made their way
to rest on my heart
and i feel so heavy
weighed down
but at the same time
i could really care less
about my bullshit
about their bullshit
my life
their life

if i let myself feel
for too long
i dont think i'll ever stop
and i dont know which
leads to more
self-destruction.

i doubt i'll ever figure it out
so i'll just sit here
acting like i give a fuck about anything
and curse at everyone
under my breath
because for a small minute as the fucccckkkkk youuuu
creeps out
i feel just a tiny bit better.


3 Responses to “a necessary vent”

  1. Anonymous Kori 

    *hugs* looks like life's a bitch for everybody eh? even your vents make my day a little better. Every word you write is just...wow nvm. I'm tired of tryna describe you lol.

  2. Anonymous brenda, la poetisa. 

    Well, taking from the fundamental job perspective ... I think that it goes to the backward idealogy of job carriers, in that someone deemed "over qualified" will leave as soon as something better comes along .. without them realizing that most "under qualified" people will leave without even that much motivation a lot of the time.

    But .. given all that's currently heaped on your back .. you would have to be a fucking robot (which you're the farthest thing from being) to not be effected by all that's heaped on you so heavily. And its natural, and the only smart move you can actually make, to be only focused on yourself right now. That's the only thing you can do.

    But .. as much as it doesn't seem like it now .. and it probably has seemed like it for a good while given how one plus seems to end in two negatives .... I swear on all that I know, and believe, that it will get better. And easier. And this choking, this sorrow, this worry .. of all things happening within you and those you love .. will, no matter how they end, have a rainbow somewhere in its lining.

    And character building, and struggle for the sake of learning .. how I know it gets fucking old. And seems woefully unfair. But still, in terms of our heart's and our soul's and the very things about you, like your compassion and your ambitions for the world and your part in it, that make this so hard ... it's necessary.

    And stop saying its petty, because it isn't. Just because it may not measure the same pain as someone else or the same woes, doesn't mean it isn't the same. It's yours .. and you owe it to yourself to lament it and to vent it out. Without any need for personal apology for taking your stand in your own issues.

    Because at the end of the day .. all of this is only making you a better person. And that is what is so wonderful about you. When faced with adversity, no matter how much you judge yourself harshly during it .. you always come out of it a better woman.

    And this too .. will pass. But until then, scream to your heart's content and get it out. You gotta.

    Just remember that your dreams too, your hopes, and your faith that change can be made and that you deserve it ... is what will see you through. So after the anger and the tears and anything else .. always find that too.

    You have it in you deep. Just let yourself believe it.

  3. Blogger nosthegametoo 

    I can completely empathize with the need to express the things that anger you.

    Thanks for sharing.

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