i never thought i would be headin that far east on the 10 again. when i left new orleans and travelled that very same interstate all the way back to cali... i didnt, or rather couldnt, even bare to look back. it took a lot to leave and now... im goin back. true, its to Houston this time, but still. there are nagging fears at the back of my mind regarding this migration. the same sort of feelings i had when i finally decided to leave nola. the doubts, the 'what ifs'... and all of a sudden, all these new reasons to stay.

its as if everytime i put my mind to leaving a place, knowing that the move is for the best, all these new things manifest to make me start to doubt my decision. all of a sudden, there are reasons why staying seems like such a better idea. and i am very indecisive and yet at the same time... very decisive. if that makes sense. i can never make up my mind but i'll change it in a split second. and i know i cant listen to that little nagging voice thats saying "stay! it will be fine if you stay" because what i really need to do right now is get the hell on the road. i guess its just the overarching issue of doubt and fear that ive always been plagued with. i hardly ever reallllly plan things out so there is always that big element of the possibility of failure that looms over any decision i make. but then again, if i were to plan something out over a long period of time... as soon as the time came to take action, i would have long since talked myself out of it.

so right now, im feeling as if the days cant pass fast enough. three more weeks and im on the road and those weeks cant pass any quicker. seriously. because right now i cant get tracy chapmans "gimme one reason to stay here" out of my head.

and thats daaaaaaaaaaaaangerous business right there.



tagged: life