sponge. yeah. thats what i feel like. suckin up all this negative energy which leaves me full of just blaaaaaaaaaaaah. and im tired of it. tired of holding on to it, tired of embracing it. took a trip in my head today and realized just how much i hold onto for no good reason. and in reality... life is just too short to get stuck on all that. in many ways i feel ruled by my memories, ruled by my wrongs, and by the residual effects of those who have wronged me. but is that getting me anywhere? anywhere at all? of course not. i spent my drive home from work today (rush our is just great for sittin still and thinking. ha) thinking about all the things ive convinced myself i was 'over.' and while maybe they dont pain me like they once did... holding onto the negativity ive internatilized surrounding those people and events isnt helping much either.

i always preach about lifes plan and that things happen for a reason. and its about time i start listening to my own words rather than rebelling against everything that happens in my life that doesnt turn out exactly how i want. that refusal to submit is whats really keeping me down, that refusal to acknowledge that life moves to a certain rhythm and down a certain path that i dont always understand at the present time. im tired of being resentful. its just not an attractive quality and i see it so much in myself from time to time. letting go doesnt mean harboring feelings of bitterness.

and i can fool myself into thinking im not bitter... but shit. why bother. why bother when you can just get over it? which leads me back to our little horoscopes we love so dearly. i remember when my friend was reading me my huge ancient long winded definitive profile... and i remember that my lesson to be learned this go around was to learn to let go. and in doing that, to teach others to as well. how is it that i keep forgetting that? nothing and no one person is tied to me or owed to me... so how can i get mad when they leave, or when i lose what i want? its futile.

and im through with futility. so as of right now... that becomes item 432 on alisons to do for self list. acknowledging moments for what they are, and accepting, graciously, what they have brought to me. and not trying to rebel when they have passed. so yeah. no more sponges here, friend. this girl is through with that.

(or at least shes gonna try her damn hardest to be!)