i'm making mine this year...

due to a recent new obsession with stampin up i've decided to make all my own christmas cards this year. and in all honesty... i think im enjoying it a little too much. its time-consuming, but definitely well worth the effort.

sent out a bulletin on my.space to get my peoples addresses and ended up getting some response back from this guy ive never actually talked to... but it was cute. he offered to exchange cards and we conversed briefly about how people just dont seem cards out anymore... i mean, you're more likely to get a yahoo greeting than a hallmark card on your birthday. and thats sad because im actually really enamored with getting mail. so anyways, i got my card in the mail yesterday from him and it made my day. said that he was inspired to make cards for all his friends and family.

to me, thats what the holidays are about.

yay.

sponge. yeah. thats what i feel like. suckin up all this negative energy which leaves me full of just blaaaaaaaaaaaah. and im tired of it. tired of holding on to it, tired of embracing it. took a trip in my head today and realized just how much i hold onto for no good reason. and in reality... life is just too short to get stuck on all that. in many ways i feel ruled by my memories, ruled by my wrongs, and by the residual effects of those who have wronged me. but is that getting me anywhere? anywhere at all? of course not. i spent my drive home from work today (rush our is just great for sittin still and thinking. ha) thinking about all the things ive convinced myself i was 'over.' and while maybe they dont pain me like they once did... holding onto the negativity ive internatilized surrounding those people and events isnt helping much either.

i always preach about lifes plan and that things happen for a reason. and its about time i start listening to my own words rather than rebelling against everything that happens in my life that doesnt turn out exactly how i want. that refusal to submit is whats really keeping me down, that refusal to acknowledge that life moves to a certain rhythm and down a certain path that i dont always understand at the present time. im tired of being resentful. its just not an attractive quality and i see it so much in myself from time to time. letting go doesnt mean harboring feelings of bitterness.

and i can fool myself into thinking im not bitter... but shit. why bother. why bother when you can just get over it? which leads me back to our little horoscopes we love so dearly. i remember when my friend was reading me my huge ancient long winded definitive profile... and i remember that my lesson to be learned this go around was to learn to let go. and in doing that, to teach others to as well. how is it that i keep forgetting that? nothing and no one person is tied to me or owed to me... so how can i get mad when they leave, or when i lose what i want? its futile.

and im through with futility. so as of right now... that becomes item 432 on alisons to do for self list. acknowledging moments for what they are, and accepting, graciously, what they have brought to me. and not trying to rebel when they have passed. so yeah. no more sponges here, friend. this girl is through with that.

(or at least shes gonna try her damn hardest to be!)

i was inspired by miss tree over at out on a limb to make a list of all that i am thankful for. because you know, this being that 'thankful time of year'... i guess its a good time to give some where its due.

1. my family because for what its worth... i have a lot to thank them for. sometimes its for the support they've given me (usually materially, a few times emotionally). sometimes for setting great examples and teaching great lessons (mostly on what not to do, but sometimes a good one sneaks in there every once in while). but at the end of the day... i may not like them all that much, but i do love them.

2. my friends for being boundless troves of inspiration. for telling me about myself when i need to hear it. for listening to me when i need to be heard. and for loving me despite all the ways i can bug the shit out of them.

3. my opportunities, because even though i dont always take advantage of them, throughout my life ive had the opportunity to do and see and learn some pretty amazing things.

4. my education and by saying that i dont mean all the time ive spent in a classroom. i mean life education... the kind that is gained through experience. a lot of it for me came when i was at college... and i value the social education i recieved there much more than the book knowledge i gained... lord knows i use it a whole lot more than any of that cognitive neuropsych i was forced to study.

5. my youth both mentally and physically. sometimes i get laughed at by various people because i can act like an overgrown 5 year old at times. but i really like that about myself. i like the fact that i can be entertained by cute stuffed animals and sing happily along with disney movies and then flip into an intelligent conversation on the prison industrial complex at the drop of a hat. life is fun. and being grown shouldnt rob you of play time.

6. self-expression from all the poetry ive been writing to everything and everyone on surreal.words... if i didnt have venues through which it vent my thoughts, i think i would go crazy

7. teaching... specifically, for each and every student ive ever taught. and yes, i am going back to it. i think the greatest thing about being a teacher is that you are also being as student as well. you learn so much everyday its amazing. and really... absolutely nothing beats the look on a students face when you see that glimmer of hope... when they get a taste of pride. its one of the most beautiful things ive ever seen.

8. my car which i didnt have until just a few years ago... and as soon as i got behind the wheel i understood the freedom that comes with driving. im not thankful for it because its cute or because its fast... only because it gets me where i want to go... wherever that may be. sometimes i have no destination in mind and its enough to just drive. it calms me. helps me escape. and i love it for that.

9. New Orleans for teaching me more about myself than i'll ever realize. sometimes you have to reach the bottom so you can see what the top looks like. and for me, that was the bottom. i was never as disconnected from myself as i was the years i spent there... but then again, maybe i was never closer. there, i was me... with absolutely no sense of boundaries and self-respect. and i never want to be that person again.

10. target because really, i love that store.

and now im about to start listing random crap so i'll stop while im still remotely being serious.

ive been waiting for RENT to come out on screen quite possibly since the first time i heard the soundtrack what seems like forever ago. i remember back when i was in high school hearing it for the first time and becoming instantly obsessed... with the songs, the story, the message behind it. by the time i finally saw it on stage i had virtually the entire play memorized and cried, laughed, and sang along like a happy little child. and now, almost 10 years later, the movie version still leaves me with that inspired state of awe. i was discussing it with a friend shortly after seeing it today and while we have complaints - they are entirely minor. he told me that another friend had walked out 45 minutes into the movie because they hated it. and honestly that just left me in total shock. i mean, perhaps you hated the singing. perhaps you didnt agree with the lifestyles of some of the people in it. but seriously... for you to take nothing from this movie? you have got to be cold and shallow with a lump of coal barely beating in your chest. ha.

really though. each time i see/ hear the play... be it on stage, on my stereo, and now, on the big screen... i cant help but get completely infused by the energy of it. the life. the love. the individual and collective story of RENT can teach you so much... but for me, most of all, it reminds me that you really arent promised anything but the moment you live in. now i dont want to get all sappy here and start singing the words but seriously, there really is no day but today. and seeing this movie is coming at a time in my life where those words are what i need to hear. its so easy to put off everything... plans, hopes, dreams... and just wait. im always discussing dreams and aspirations with a friend of mine and she always reminds me how important it is to dream big, to not settle for complacency when you can have and achieve so much more. i forget that alot. perhaps because im scared of taking risks, perhaps because im afraid of stepping out of the comfort zone. for whatever reason though, i often find myself settling. and im so tired of being that person. so tired of accepting what i have instead of going out and taking what i want.

RENT reminds me of that. if life ended tomorrow... would i be satisfied with what i've achieved? people often ask "what do you regret most in your life" and really for me, i dont regret anything ive done. made a lot of bad choices, yes, but i dont regret them because they were necessary to learn certain lessons. that doesnt mean i dont have regrets though. ive let so many opportunities pass me by here and there, gotten lazy more times than i can count, allowed so many things to pass me by and now i just look back like damn. theres so much i could have done. so really... my regrets come in the form of what ive not done. so i see this story as just another link in the chain pulling me towards making a more conscious approach to defining my own life how I want it to be. just another reminder to get out and do something. and there is no better time than right now to put those wheels in motion. got my ass singin that Seize the Day song from Newsies. hahaha. open the gates friends, its time to seize the day.

yeah i know.

i hate that song too.
but this is my new favorite site.

because honestly, some men just have no shame with it. its about time they got put on blast. i'm just a little bit sad though that the site is NYC based... makes me wonder if you can submit from other places as well??

because LORD KNOWS i, as well as every friend i have, has tons of stories. maybe i'll just start my own little version and start embarassing some of these dudes. or at least providing warnings to other females. because in order to embarrass them, they would actually have to see it... and in order for that to occur, they would actually have to know how to turn on a damn computer.

which is doubtful.

but all the more reason.

suckas. i dare you.

i just realized i start way too many sentences with the word 'so'

thats somewhat irritating.

So i was with the ex boyfriend/ future husband last night and he brought up this discussion... which actually made me laugh because it corresponded quite nicely to the episode of Sex in the City that was on. I mean... does being physically intimate doom a relationship if it happens too soon? I have a nasty little habit of comparing life to episodes of Sex in the City so bear with me here... Carrie was just starting to see this new man who provided her with the most 'mindblowing orgasms'- even though she didnt know a thing about the guy. Whereas on the other hand, Miranda was working on building intimacy before she got physical because why? she didnt want to ruin the relationship.
"what came first? the chicken... or the sex?"

So we were sittin there talkin... about relationships and stuff like that and im reflecting on our relationship now versus back when we were actually together... and in all honesty, its sooooo much better now. i dont think we were ever as close as we are right now, and its almost as if with removing sex from the equation, the intimacy has increased more than i ever would have expected. and therein lies the dilemma. if say we took it back to that level... would the intimacy disappear? would we lose the closeness?

i dont even know if its worth it. i mean... i love him. and i know we'll probably end up married down the road because we can never seem to get rid of each other... but still. this whole intimacy vs. sex thing has me kinda head-casin it right now.

so i was reading this horoscope profile that a friend posted up and it was so dead on it was surprising. most of it dealt with my nature, as a gemini, to be rather flighty and unable to take anything seriously beyond the immediate infatuation when things are new. ive read this in other 'profiles' and yeah, i'll admit it, thats me in a nutshell. with regards to everything in my life im very A.D.D... over the top obsessed at first, and then just over it.

so as im sitting here watching one of those Baby Story marathons... and im getting all teary-eyed about how much i want children sometime in the near future... this tendency of mine to flit from interest to interest is just looming in my face. ive spent most of my life working with children of various ages in a ton of different capacities... i know what happens when parents arent invested in their children. and i dont want to be that. i dont want to be the one that takes a lackadaisical approach to such a big responsibility. but i mean damn, i cant even keep a blog! got all obsessed with it for a minute... and then short-changed it by just posting some random bits of poetry here or there. looks like ive been active right? nah. thats just me cheating and switching the dates, the half-assing im used to. at least im trying to look dedicated, right?

and i guess even this blog right here is somewhat metaphorical for my life... i really cant commit to ANYTHING. its not like i have a lack of words... or that i cant write. i just cant seem to do it on the regular. but thats not my fault, right? blame it on my momma who decided to pop me out in june rather than may. maybe if i was born at the end of june instead of the beginning i could be maternal and responsible like the Cancer. but nooooo. i am stuck as the 'forever-childlike' gemini.

so i started thinking. is this something i can overcome? can i train myself to be committed to something? i guess in a way i see this blog as a challenge. can i make myself write in it everyday? and now im rambling, but we'll see. every day for a month?

its on.

my dear friend has a habit of filling her forum with things i absolutely adore. this week she highlighted a darling artist whose work i've fallen in love with.

favorites:




The Queen is Dead






The Soundtrack (of My Life)






Me Play Joke

The Writing Exercises around the board, updated .:11.09.05:.

Choka: I Seek | Poetic Phrases: Surreal Words | Descriptive Language: Things Fall Apart
The Small Space: Urban Lyricism | Remembering: Love and Loss | Three Points: Erotica


The Newness in Built To Spill

Have you dared someone yet? You really should.

Make a police sketch! No really. use this program to create a fake sketch of your face. And then share it with us!

Or if you are feeling really creative... make your own lame toy and post a picture so we can laugh at it.


Heard the latest in Third Eye Stage?

Check out the first surreal.words podcast show

and if you are audio-capable, get in on the next show.


Whats goin on in Hip Hop

try to topple the reign of current champ VERBZ in this weeks hip hop quiz. See how well you can identify the faces of music today.

Play one of our many games: Fact or Fiction, the Lyrical Translation, or the the caption game


Puff Puff

feelin the need to just flow? hit up the i loooove men or the i loooooove women ciph or any of the other ciphs in Puff Puff Pass and keep the rotation going.


The Writers World

new updates in the November publishing opportunities, a list of current information on the many non-fiction and fiction publishing opportunities that are available out there.

or try one of the excercises in our collection of ACTs and give your pen some practice.

and in Urban Lyricism you can check out the updates in the November Poetry Publishing Opportunities if you are looking to get one or more of your poems published.


Relationship issues in Lost in Translation

ever date someone who's sex drive is through the roof? are you that person? discuss how you've dealth with it.

is there such a thing as sleeping with someone too soon? does 'givin it up' too early mean you've doomed the possibility of a relationship?


Current topics in Of Water and the Spirit

check this weeks horoscope, complete with the daily cosmic calendar.

find out what your temperament is by taking the Keirsey Temperament Sorter and then share your results to see who you work well with.

looking for a way to start your morning off right? check out tips on ways you can make the most out of every day.


Arts and Entertainment in Eternal Sunshine

want to find out what came out this week? check out these new releases to discuss what’s opening at the box office.

have you done a collab yet? check the collab thread and get started on or suggest one.

or make up your own entertainment top 5 list or comment on someone elses


Discuss Community and Society in the Famished Road

the November Writer’s Work Information Opportunities thread has awesome info on ways to affect positive change in the world around you… through writing.

Paris is burning. could it happen here? share your thoughts on the situation.

Are we cheating our young men out of life? Are we responsible for creating a worldwhere men are too afraid to believe in themselves? What do you think?


Open Veins

What is your hidden talent?

and would you buy one of these scary ass dolls?!? Would you?


Revelation - A Journal

share the bonds of sisterhood and discuss one of the most important issues that women face daily

or share one of your own personal mantras for strength

((.((from the i dare you game!)).))

Woe this night, when stars doth darken,
When thine life blood runneth no more.
Curse this eve, when rivers no longer floweth
When oceans waves cease to lap at beaches shore.
Behold, the end to life's fair blessings
As with bow'd head my best friend I mourn.
O, gentle Peaches, thy fur shall ne'er again warm my hand
Thy delicate whiskers shall brush my face no more.
Lo! This tragic night, when Heaven doth open'd her gates
To welcome the returneth of her tiniest angel through her hallow'd doors
Peaches, my sweet friend, o, how you I have betrayeth
For 'gainst thyself, murder I have perform'd
While betwixt mine foot and the ground below
Thine tiny hamster heart finally slow'd.


R.I.P Peaches.


hahahahahahahahaha

.audio.


pass the lye
so I can
lather this skin
wash off the filth
of sweat you dripped
when we made love

no

when we made lies
as we lied there
you
baiting hooks
that snared my dreams
spun fairytales
appealed to my
princess side
called me queen
so
queen I became
of a desolate kingdom
a self-enforced martyr
to suffer the ills of her
only subject

subject myself I did
to your words
which used to take my breath away
and then
just robbed it
forcing gasped breaths
that I
couldn’t seem to catch
and its
been so long since ive cried

pulled the hook out
from inside of my mouth
felt the flesh rip as
blood dripped
from my lips
onto pages of
pathetic attempts to
write out the pain
but
tears no longer remain
and its time
for the hate to
disappear as well
because to hate you
means
that I acknowledge your presence

so im
saying goodbye to you tonight
performing my most
personal cleansing ritual
with this pen,
this
paper
this
box of memories at my feet
each expulsion of ink
extracting you from my heart

these words
are written in blood
mixed with the last tears
my eyes shall shed for you
because

I am writing you out of my life tonight

your image
shall no longer hold court in my memories
your saccharine-coated lies
no longer taste as sweet on my tongue

because tonight
im letting go of pain
saying goodbye to hate
putting an end to your memory
for good.

11.2.05-11.9.05

This week’s writing exercises:

Bio-Poem: I Seek | Senses in a Box: Surreal Words | Descriptive Language: Things Fall Apart
The Small Space: Urban Lyricism | Creating Poetry Art: Love and Loss | Choose Your Own Adventure: Erotica

The Newness in Built To Spill

Want to make someone do something? Check out I dare you! and name your challenge.


Heard the latest in Third Eye Stage?

Check out the first surreal.words podcast show

and if you are audio-capable, get in on the next show.


Whats goin on in Hip Hop

try to topple the reign of current champ VERBZ in this weeks hip hop quiz

or speak your mind on whether or not gangsta rap killed hip hop’s creativity


Puff Puff

feelin the need to just flow? hit up kiss bliss or mic check or any of the other ciphs in Puff Puff Pass and keep the rotation going.


The Writers World

looking to get your stories published? take a look at the November publishing opportunities, with current information on the many non-fiction and fiction publishing opportunities that are available out there.

and in honor of National Novel Writing Month, check out the Novel in a Month challenge that just began.

and in Urban Lyricism you can check out the November Poetry Publishing Opportunities if you are looking to get one or more of your poems published.


Relationship issues in Lost in Translation

share your definition of what love is and what the word means to you. we cant talk about it until we define it, right?

and sometimes its not even about love. what would you do in this situation?


Current topics in Of Water and the Spirit

always checking the web for your horoscope? why bother when you can get it here, complete with the daily cosmic calendar.

find out what your temperament is by taking the Keirsey Temperament Sorter and then share your results to see who you work well with.


Arts and Entertainment in Eternal Sunshine

want to find out what came out this week? check out these new releases to discuss what’s opening at the box office.

have a poet you would like to write with? have a couple you would like to see write together? take a look at this thread and get started on or suggest a collab.


Discuss Community and Society in the Famished Road

the November Writer’s Work Information Opportunities thread has awesome info on ways to affect positive change in the world around you… through writing.

or speak your views on just one of many examples of ignorance that we are striving to change.